Words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, physical touch, these are the five love languages that Gary Chapman writes about in his books.
It is so true that every person loves receiving these things from their spouse, and that if you know the love language of your partner, life will be so much easier!
Take for example, my friend Dena, who really needed to have more words of affirmation and physical touch, but her husband Dov thought that by buying her flowers (without an accompanying card) and cooking dinner for her every night, he was treating her exactly like a queen! For years, he could not understand why she was feeling frustrated and not appreciating his kind gestures. Yet, Dina needed something entirely different from Dov. She was thirsting for some words of affirmation, for him to tell her how much he loved her and for some physical touch. Dov was frustrated as he thought he was displaying loving gestures, by buying flowers and making dinner. He couldn’t see why Dena was unhappy and frustrated. Dena’s deepest need was not being met. What Dov was doing, was kind and thoughtful but was not what she truly needed from him. Dov was not giving his wife what she felt was really important to her. I always tell couples to share this vital information with each other, as couples do truly want to make each other happy. But without a clue, many couples try for years to please their spouse, and don’t understand why their spouse is unsatisfied or bitter, even though they have been meaning very well.
It is very interesting that under the Chuppa (marriage canopy), a bride receives all five “love languages” from the groom. A taste of all the five beautiful expressions of love. The ring represents the “gift,” the Kesuba (marriage contract) delineates all the “acts of service”, that the husband is expected to and will gracefully give his wife. The words said under the Chuppa to the bride before placing the ring, “behold you are sanctified to me”, represents the “words of affirmation” and the “quality time and physical touch”, follow the Chuppa with the Yichud room, the quality time spent alone together before the celebratory meal and dancing. (The holy act of intimacy on the wedding night is also to be considered to be the “physical touch”). So here we have all five love languages played out under the Chuppa, the Jewish Wedding Ceremony.
So next time you wished your spouse brought you dinner or swept the floor, simply tell him your love language is “acts of service,” and he will know that a simple act means the world to you. If your language is gifts, there is no point in wishing you got a beautiful gift. You may even choose it, and have him pay, wrap and deliver the great perfume, jewellery or handbag you wish for. But at least he will know what you are thinking, and not guess he gets it right (or wrong) every time!
If you need to hear a compliment, and it means the world to be acknowledged by him, tell him. It may feel weird to him to say it the first few times, but he will get the knack of it, and soon it will be second nature. If you enjoy a back massage or wish he would JUST KNOW you are pining for a few days away with quality time together, then why don’t you just tell him instead of expecting him to read your mind. It works both ways. Maybe he is pining for a delicious home cooked meal, but you usually stop off for a frozen take-away on the way home from work. He needs to tell you clearly and lovingly ,what his love language is. He might want to spend some time with you over a cup of tea or have a date night (more on that another time!), but we must communicate our wishes with our spouse, or you could be spending your entire life expecting the other to guess what you need, while you sit there feeling resentful or forgotten.
Let’s get better at communicating, and share our deepest wishes with our spouse, and remind them every so often. If you notice your spouse buying you gifts or cooking more dinners, you will be happy you shared this vital information with them. Some men and women enjoy all five love languages, but there are one or two which will stick out most. Watch what your spouse does most for you, and then you’ll know which is his love language, too!
